THE CHARACTERS DALLAS, TEX, WOLF, IRMA, ELLIE, NORMAN, LARRY AND ARDEN, DO NOT BELONG TO US - THEY ARE THE WONDERFUL CREATION OF DEBBIE HORSFIELD, AND WE HAVE BORROWED THEM BRIEFLY - AND IN TRUE "FAN FICTION" FASHION, WE ARE NOT USING THEM FOR PROFIT OR GAIN, BUT JUST FOR A LITTLE BIT OF CHRISTMAS FUN.
DALLAS IN WONDERLAND (with Cinder(f)ella undertones)
SCENE ONE: A woodland clearing.
Wolf and Tex wander on to stage.
Tex: Has anyone here seen young Dallas...he has to do my shirts, for my trip to the Palace....If he lets me down, I'll show him malice...Because we aren't not guys - we're evil..and Callis. (Indicates The Wolf, who bows).
Wolf: He thinks we don't know how he wastes all his time...thinking up music, to go with some rhyme...his place is under stairs with the grime and the slime...not dreaming of stardom, and all things sublime.
Tex: Speaking of rhyme, what fool said we must use it...I've had enough, so I say we must lose it.
Wolf: Well darling, I'm going home to do my hair (tosses head)...because I'm worth it.
Tex: (to audience) If you see Dallas, tell him we are looking for him....and we're not happy.
Exit Wolf and Tex to boos.
Enter Dallas to cheers
Dallas: Have my brothers been looking for me? If only I could write a hit single, I could disappear - go and live on Iona, and find my pot of gold.
Dallas sings Somewhere Over the Rainbow. He sits down against a tree.
Dallas: It would be nice to go to the Palace ball - there might be a record producer there.
He falls asleep. He is woken up by a white rabbit, carrying a wand and wearing a dress.
Dallas: Gandalf??
White Rabbit: Certainly not. I'm no wizard - although you do look like Frodo Baggins. I'm a Fairy Godrabbit...you called?
Dallas: I did? I'm not sure I have any use for a rabbit in a dress..... what's your name.
White Rabbit: Arfur...
Dallas: Arfur? Arfur Rabbit.....
White Rabbit: (impatiently) Yes, yes, I know...it's hardly original, but that's what pantomimes are all about. Look, I turned down Watership Down - The Musical, for this. So get to it - you want to go to the ball?
Dallas: Yes, but I Want Doesn't Get...
White Rabbit: Well if you're going to be defeatist about it.
Dallas: No, no - really. I'd love to go. But I've no way to get there - and nothing suitable to wear.
There is a flash of light and he is in a policeman's uniform, and a motorbike appears.
Dallas: Um...I don't think this is entirely suitable....and besides....... (whispers to the rabbit)
White Rabbit: Laughs. You what? You can't ride a motorbike? Well we can always send a stunt double in your place? Oh alright then.....
Another flash of light has Dallas transformed into the clothes of Caractacus Potts, and Chitty appears.
Dallas: Look, I don't want to appear ungrateful - but isn't this a little ... well, something of an attention grabber. I really would prefer to keep a low profile.
White Rabbit: (Sighs impatiently and looks at his watch) I had the feeling you were going to be difficult.
The rabbit looks around and sees a pumpkin. He turns it into a smart car. Then he turns a mouse into a chauffeur.
White Rabbit: OK..satisfied now?
Dallas: Well, yes - thank you! Except.... (indicates his clothes)
Another flash of light, and Dallas is wearing a smart suit, with frilled shirt.
White Rabbit: Just one thing - you have to be home by midnight.
Dallas: Why - does the magic end then?
White Rabbit: No....but there's a rerun of The Crow Road on, and you don't want to miss it. Oh, and take this with you. It's The Glass. (He hands Dallas a shoebox)
Dallas: The Glass what? Is it the glass slippers? I'm not sure they'd suite me to be honest.
White Rabbit: No, Health and Safety won't let us use glass slippers these days. Not since one broke and severed an artery - we don't want any more law suits like that, thank you very much. No, this is a script - there's not only record producers at this shindig. There's casting directors too. I think you'd be good for this part - you're definitely trouble. Now off you go - and try to behave.
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SCENE TWO: On the way to the Royal Palace.
The car grinds to a halt.
Dallas: What's up - the rabbit forget to fill the tank?
Chauffeur: I think you'll have to walk the rest of the way...
Dallas: Which way?
Chauffeur: (pointing) Take the High Road......
Dallas: Great.
He sets off walking.
SCENE THREE: In the forest
Dallas: Not that I'm afraid of the dark....but I'll be glad when I get there.
Suddenly, a lion jumps out in front of him, growling.
Lion: Put 'em up...put 'em up.
Dallas: Wrong pantomime....but maybe you can help. I'm late for the Palace talent show.....no chance you could give me lift is there?
Lion: (Looks around) I'm sorry - do you see "Taxi" illuminated across my head?
Dallas: Well no, but I thought it was worth a try. I've heard that there's going to be a wizard there, you know. He might be able to give you some courage. I mean, that's what you want isn't it?
Lion: Hmmmm. I think that carrying you all the way to the Palace will take some nerve, don't you, It won't do my back any good.
Dallas: OK, I'm sorry..forget I asked. (He begins to walk towards the Palace).
Lion: A wizard, you say?
Dallas: Yes...The Wizard of Aus.
Lion: (sighing) Alright then...jump on. And don't hang on to my mane too tight. It hurts.
Dallas climbs on to the lion's back.
Lion: It's a good job TinMan and Scarecrow didn't take the same wrong turning as me. I don't want to be seen like this..reduced to nothing more than a taxi service. I'd never hear the end of it.
SCENE FOUR: At the Palace.
Dallas presents his invitation to the Usher.
Usher: (announcing loudly) The Heir Apparent - with the Hair Apparent.
Dallas: What?? Let me see that! (Looks at the invitation) I'll kill that rabbit!
(He becomes conscious of his somewhat untidy hair and tries to tidy it with his hand).
Dallas walks in, followed by the lion.
Usher: Sorry sir - you can't bring that in.
Lion: That?? He called me that.
The Usher points to a sign. No Children - No Irish - No Dogs.
Dallas: (affecting an English accent) He's not a dog though, and it doesn't say "No Lions".
Dallas gestures to the lion to follow him. The lion does, with a backward look at the usher, gives a smug grin, and tosses his mane..
Dallas catches sight of Queen Irma of Hearts, with her two grand daughters, the Princesses Ellie and Arden. Both girls look at him, before turning their attention to the stage.
Compere: And now, we have a local group.....let's hear it for Larry B Cool, and The Ice Cubes.
Dallas recognises his brothers as the band starts to play. When the vocalist starts to sing Heartbeat, Dallas cringes. Suddenly, a man walks in, and flashes an identity card. He speaks with a broad Scottish accent.
Man: I'm Inspector Taggart - I was just passing, and this noise suggests that there has been a murder!
Ellie and Arden come over to Dallas.
Arden: Well hello....the talent has improved I see.
Dallas smiles, but looks at Ellie, who smiles shyly.
Queen Irma: Girls! Get here now!
The Queen is standing next to a man who is watching Ellie.
Dallas: Is that your father?
Ellie: No...he's my cousin. He wants to marry me - he's very rich, with a whole chain of frying outlets. And he's a Sultan.
Dallas: A Sultan?
Ellie: Yes - Sultan Vinagah.
(Ellie and Dallas turn to the audience, right arms outstretched.)
Ellie and Dallas: Boom boom!
.
Ellie: Are you going to sing?
Dallas: Well, I'd like to....but...
Arden: We'll sing with you....Gran won't like it, but me and Ellie love to sing. I'll go and enter us. What shall we call ourselves? Are you a Prince?
Dallas: Not exactly....my father is a nobleman. He died. I live with my stepmother and her two sons...they're here actually. But I don't want them to see me. (He gestures towards the stage). They're not very nice.
Still in progress - well, I'm a working housewife!!
COMING SOON FOR YOUR CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENT!
"DALLAS IN WONDERLAND"
PUB QUIZ
All answers are Joe connected. Some are anagrams, some are cryptic, in which case it's often a plan to think phonetically. 
1. Rot each word (Anagram) TITLE
2. Joe's musical in a mixed up long story! CHARACTER NAME
3. Events on corn (Anagram) CHARACTER NAME
4. ......why do you miss TITLE
5. Use pork ash (Anagram) TITLE
6. Raising the chances? TITLE
7. What sounds like a baby's horse - in a pie TITLE
8. Little visages? TITLE
9. Wild parent? TITLE
10. Go back to behaviour study TITLE
Email for the answers: JMAF2007@aol.com
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