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We don't think that anyone can be amused about Heartbeat being axed, but Rosie came up with a not so serious suggestion. Sometimes it's better to smile than to cry when things can't be changed:
WILD AT HEARTBEAT
Vet Danny Trevannion moves to Yorkshire and opens a wild life safari park in the Yorkshire dales near Aidensfield.
In the first episode, a herd of rhinos escape and rampage through the village, wrecking the pub.
Anxious to make amends, Danny suggests that Oscar should run the new pub/restaurant in the safari park - the Aidensfield Armadillo. Oscar agrees and he, Gina and Dawn move in there.
Danny and Gina fall in love.
Danny's daughter Rosie comes back to England having split up with her husband. She dates Joe Mason who has run out of nurses, the newest in the village being over 70. **
Carol and Rachel have moved in together having realised that they love each other.
Peggy spends the first few episodes in a coma after making the mistake of poaching in the tiger enclosure. When she wakes she finds Duplessis at her bedside - for him it was love at first sight.
David and Vernon run a fleet of safari buses to the park.
The police station is still run by Sgt. Miller with Mason, Younger, and Wetherby, and Alf.
** It has been suggested that this might make a good storyline and we might get Joan Collins.....
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DALLAS IN WONDERLAND (Cinderfella)
THE CHARACTERS DALLAS, TEX, WOLF, IRMA, ELLIE, NORMAN, LARRY AND ARDEN, DO NOT BELONG TO US - THEY ARE THE WONDERFUL CREATION OF DEBBIE HORSFIELD, AND WE HAVE BORROWED THEM BRIEFLY - AND IN TRUE "FAN FICTION" FASHION, WE ARE NOT USING THEM FOR PROFIT OR GAIN, BUT JUST FOR A LITTLE BIT OF CHRISTMAS FUN...AND TO KEEP THEM ALIVE.
Once upon a time, in the far off land of GlassGo, there lived a happy family, the Masons - mother, father, and three children. Sadly, the mother was killed by a nasty mugger (could be panto rhyming slang), but we won't talk about that as it's not suitable for a pantomime. Eventually, father married again - an ambitious, cold woman with two sons. By this time, only Joe remained at home with his father, and he did not get on with his stepmother or her unpleasant sons at all. Eventually, the family moved to another far off land, the land of Eccles, and Joe, who wanted to be a singer, changed his name to Dallas McCabe, and became Irish. Sadly, father died, leaving Joe/Dallas alone with the wicked stepmother and the stepbrothers who though not ugly in appearance, were ugly inside.
SCENE ONE: A woodland clearing.
Wolf and Tex wander on to stage.
Tex: Has anyone here seen young Dallas...he has to do my shirts, for my trip to the Palace....If he lets me down, I'll show him malice...Because we aren't nice guys - we're evil..and Callis. (Indicates The Wolf, who bows).
Wolf: He thinks we don't know how he wastes all his time...thinking up music, to go with some rhyme...his place is under stairs with the grime and the slime...not dreaming of stardom, and all things sublime.
Tex: Speaking of rhyme, what fool said we must use it...I've had enough, so I say we must lose it.
Wolf: Well darling, I'm going home to do my hair (tosses head)...because I'm worth it.
Tex: (to audience) If you see Dallas, tell him we are looking for him....and we're not happy.
Exit Wolf and Tex to boos
Enter Dallas to cheers
Dallas: Have my brothers been looking for me? If only I could write a hit single, I could disappear - go and live on Iona, and find my pot of gold.
Dallas sings Somewhere Over the Rainbow. He sits down against a tree.
Dallas: It would be nice to go to the Palace ball - there might be a record producer there.
He falls asleep. He is woken up by a white rabbit, carrying a wand and wearing a dress.
Dallas: Gandalf??
White Rabbit: Certainly not. I'm no wizard - although you do look like a lot like Frodo Baggins. I'm a Fairy Godrabbit...you called?
Dallas: I did? I'm not sure I have any use for a rabbit in a dress..... what's your name.
White Rabbit: Arfur...
Dallas: Arfur? Arfur Rabbit.....
White Rabbit: (impatiently) Yes, yes, I know...it's hardly original, but that's what pantomimes are all about. Look, I turned down Watership Down - The Musical, for this. So get to it - you want to go to the ball?
Dallas: Yes, but I Want Doesn't Get...
White Rabbit: Well if you're going to be defeatist about it.
Dallas: No, no - really. I'd love to go. But I've no way to get there - and nothing suitable to wear.
There is a flash of light and he is in a policeman's uniform, and a motorbike appears.
Dallas: Um...I don't think this is entirely suitable....and besides....... (whispers to the rabbit)
White Rabbit: Laughs. You what? You can't ride a motorbike? Well we can always send a stunt double in your place? Oh alright then.....
Another flash of light has Dallas transformed into the clothes of Caractacus Potts, and Chitty appears.
Dallas: Look, I don't want to appear ungrateful - but isn't this a little ... well, something of an attention grabber. I really would prefer to keep a low profile.
White Rabbit: (Sighs impatiently and looks at his watch) I had the feeling you were going to be difficult.
The rabbit looks around and sees a pumpkin. He turns it into a smart car. Then he turns a mouse into a chauffeur.
White Rabbit: OK..satisfied now?
Dallas: Well, yes - thank you! Except.... (indicates his clothes)
Another flash of light, and Dallas is wearing a smart suit, with frilled shirt. The rabbit holds up a mirror.
Dallas: Hmm.. I'm not sure about these hair extensions. They look a bit like rats tails.
White Rabbit: They are rat's tails! And they are very you....
Dallas: I'll take your word for it.
White Rabbit: Just one thing - you have to be home by midnight.
Dallas: Why - does the magic end then?
White Rabbit: No....but there's a rerun of The Crow Road on, and you don't want to miss it. Oh, and take this with you. It's The Glass. (He hands Dallas a shoebox)
Dallas: The Glass what? Is it the glass slippers? I'm not sure they'd suite me to be honest.
White Rabbit: No, Health and Safety won't let us use glass slippers these days. Not since one broke and severed an artery - we don't want any more law suits like that, thank you very much. No, this is a script - there's not only record producers at this shindig. There's casting directors too. I think you'd be good for this part - you're definitely trouble. Now off you go - and try to behave.
SCENE TWO: On the way to the Royal Palace.
The car grinds to a halt.
Dallas: What's up - the rabbit forget to fill the tank?
Chauffeur: I think you'll have to walk the rest of the way...
Dallas: Which way?
Chauffeur: (pointing) Take the High Road......
Dallas: Great.
He sets off walking.
SCENE THREE: In the forest
Dallas: Not that I'm afraid of the dark....but I'll be glad when I get there.
Suddenly, a lion jumps out in front of him, growling.
Lion: Put 'em up...put 'em up.
Dallas: Wrong pantomime....but maybe you can help. I'm late for the Palace talent show.....no chance you could give me lift is there?
Lion: (Looks around) I'm sorry - do you see "Taxi" illuminated across my head?
Dallas: Well no, but I thought it was worth a try. I've heard that there's going to be a wizard there, you know. He might be able to give you some courage. I mean, that's what you want isn't it?
Lion: Hmmmm. I think that carrying you all the way to the Palace will take some nerve, don't you, It won't do my back any good.
Dallas: OK, I'm sorry..forget I asked. (He begins to walk towards the Palace).
Lion: A wizard, you say?
Dallas: Yes...a big name. Huge in fact. Huge Ackman to be precise ... The Wizard of Aus.
Lion: (sighing) Alright then...jump on. And don't hang on to my mane too tight. It hurts.
Dallas climbs on to the lion's back.
Lion: It's a good job TinMan and Scarecrow didn't take the same wrong turning as me. I don't want to be seen like this..reduced to nothing more than a taxi service. I'd never hear the end of it.
SCENE FOUR: At the Palace.
Dallas presents his invitation to the Usher.
Usher: (announcing loudly) The Heir Apparent - with the Hair Apparent.
Dallas: What?? Let me see that! (Looks at the invitation) I'll kill that rabbit!
(He becomes conscious of his somewhat untidy hair and tries to tidy it with his hand).
Dallas walks in, followed by the lion.
Usher: Sorry sir - you can't bring that in.
Lion: That?? He called me that.
The Usher points to a sign. No Children - No Irish - No Dogs.
Dallas: (affecting an English accent) He's not a dog though, and it doesn't say "No Lions".Dallas gestures to the lion to follow him. The lion does, with a backward look at the usher, gives a smug grin, and tosses his mane..
Lion: I'm off to find that wizard.
Dallas catches sight of Queen Irma of Hearts, with her two grand daughters, the Princesses Ellie and Arden. Both girls look at him, before turning their attention to the stage.
Compere: And now, we have a local group.....let's hear it for Larry B Cool, and The Ice Cubes.
Dallas recognises his brothers as the band starts to play. When the vocalist starts to sing Heartbeat, Dallas cringes. Suddenly, a man walks in, and flashes an identity card. He speaks with a broad Scottish accent.
Man: I'm Inspector Taggart - I was just passing, and this noise suggests that there has been a murder!
Ellie and Arden come over to Dallas.
Arden: Well hello....the talent has improved I see.
Dallas smiles, but looks at Ellie, who smiles shyly.
Queen Irma: Girls! Get here now!
The Queen is standing next to a man who is watching Ellie.
Dallas: Is that your father?
Ellie: No...he's my cousin. He wants to marry me - he's very rich, with a whole chain of frying outlets. And he's a Sultan.
Dallas: A Sultan?
Ellie: Yes - Sultan Vinagah.
(Ellie and Dallas turn to the audience, right arms outstretched.)
Ellie and Dallas: Boom boom!
Ellie: Are you going to sing?
Dallas: Well, I'd like to....but...
Arden: We'll sing with you....Gran won't like it, but me and Ellie love to sing. I'll go and enter us. What shall we call ourselves? Are you a Prince?
Dallas: Not exactly....my father is a nobleman. He died. I live with my stepmother and her two sons...they're here actually. But I don't want them to see me. (He gestures towards the stage). They're not very nice.
Dallas and the twins sing together.
A man approaches them.
Man: I am the famous record producer, Shane Riordan. I'd like to talk to you three about a contract - you could be the next Supremes. Or find a couple more and you could rival Girls Aloud...The Pussycat Dolls...The Sugababes.....
Dallas: Excuse me?
Shane: Yes sweetheart - I'm all ears - I see you as the lead singer, you'll have men falling at your feet.
Dallas: I am a man!
Shane: OK, well it can work that way too. So here's my number...give me a call tomorrow. You're off to London.
Ellie: I'm supposed to be marrying Norman...the Sultan.
Arden: So you'd rather be Sultana Vinegah than get a record deal?
Dallas: You can't marry him!
Ellie: Why not?
Dallas: Because... well I want you to come away with me. London can wait.
Ellie: Where would we go?
Dallas: Iona - little place...
Ellie: Oh, is it paid for, or do you have a mortgage on it? Otherwise we might need to go to London first....make some money.....
Dallas: What?? No, I don 't own a little place. I don't own anywhere. I want you to come with me to Iona...little place in the Western Isles. I thought you were the clever one....
The clock starts to chime midnight.
Dallas: I have to go, sorry...I'll be in touch.
Ellie: Wait!
Dallas runs off. Ellie tries to push past the crowd to follow him. She notices something on the stairs, and picks it up.
She is joined by Arden and Shane.
Arden: What's that?
Ellie: A hair extension....it's his, and we can use it to find him...
Arden: What about Norman?
Ellie: You can have him - then you'll get the ruby cluster.
Shane: Let's hope we find him...we need the owner of this hair extension before you get the record deal.
SCENE FIVE: The kitchen at Dallas's home.
Dallas is in the kitchen preparing breakfast for the family, but he is so tired, he sits down and rests on his elbows. He is dreaming of Ellie. Suddenly, the brothers walk in and see him. Wolf pushes Dallas's elbows so that he wakes up.
Wolf: Oy! What's this! Where's my breakfast you lazy good for nothing.
Dallas: Sorry...I was tired.
Tex: Late night was it - the excitement of keeping the fire going and washing the dishes proving too much. We, on the other hand, had to be bored out of our minds, eating, dancing, singing.....
Dallas: Did you win?
Wolf: We might have done if it hadn't been for some upstart who turned up and stole the limelight.
Stepmother: (rushing into the kitchen) Quickly! Shane Riordan is coming - he's looking for the owner of a hair extension, and whoever it is, will get a record deal.
Dallas gets up.
Stepmother: Not you! How can it you, you stupid boy. It was someone who was at the ball last night.
Stepmother, Wolf and Tex go out of the kitchen and answer the door to Shane, Ellie and Arden.
Stepmother: Welcome, welcome! Can I get you some refreshment....
She goes to the door and calls out.
Stepmother: A tray of tea and scones, quickly!
Shane holds out the hair extension and Wolf steps forward.
Shane: I'm afraid not...your hair is much longer than this.
Tex steps forward.
Shane: Totally the wrong colour. Are there any more boys living here?
Dallas: (Appearing with a tray, and also several hair extensions) Just me.
Shane holds up the hair extension against the others.
Shane: It matches!
Ellie: It's you!
Dallas and Ellie embrace.
And so, Dallas and Ellie were re-united, and went to London where they spent a couple of years making hit records, before retiring to Aidensfield, and Dallas became Joe again, and joined the police force. And they lived happily in the sixties forever and ever....and ever....and ever........
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Hamish McSpirtle
You are invited to follow the adventures of Hamish McSpirtle here:
http://hamishmcspirtle.webs.com/index.htm
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PUB QUIZ
All answers are Joe connected. Some are anagrams, some are cryptic, in which case it's often a plan to think phonetically. 
1. Rot each word (Anagram) TITLE
2. Joe's musical in a mixed up long story! CHARACTER NAME
3. Events on corn (Anagram) CHARACTER NAME
4. ......why do you miss TITLE
5. Use pork ash (Anagram) TITLE
6. Raising the chances? TITLE
7. What sounds like a baby's horse - in a pie TITLE
8. Little visages? TITLE
9. Wild parent? TITLE
10. Go back to behaviour study TITLE
Email for the answers: JMAF2007@aol.com
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